Fatalities: 0
Injuries: 1
Mud Casualties: 1
DNFs: 0
Drop-outs: 5
Forgot to enter: 11
On the 31st of January, NUAXC competed in the BUCS cross-country. We had too many spectators (15) and about 58 runners, making this yet another record performance, with 70 club members having a very hungover Sunday and, in some cases (Ashlin and Heather), a hungover Monday as well.
As there were so many of us, we went down in two coaches, which was such a shame as I put the troublesome lads in one coach, meaning Ed and I had to bite the bullet and go with all the lasses, what a cruel world we live in.
The Women’s A, or as the woke police say, the “Women’s Long Race” started us off at 12:00. Surprisingly, Ava led the charge for us with a hugely impressive 19th place, even managing to beat every single lad from Newcastle in the B race over the same distance.
As one of those lads, I feel compelled to offer a few excuses: it was at least two degrees colder when I ran, I sneezed three times that morning, and the course had been thoroughly churned up by then. I’d confidently estimate those factors would have added a good two minutes and nine seconds to her time, which rather conveniently puts her a second behind me.
Next up was Immy with a strong performance, especially as Loughborough lacks any sort of personality, and if I say that Patrick’s rear end was the equivalent of the lakes, Jamie Swindell is the peak districts, Loughborough would be fitting to describe mine. Immy came in 58th place.
Miss Tune was up next, who signalled halfway on the first lap she was ready to quit, but toughed it out and had an impressive performance finishing in 128th place. Closely following was Cadence in 133rd place. Cadence showed once again that she’s taking to British cross-country like a duck to water, despite the course being a mud bath.
Athene was not far behind in 147th place and won herself dick of the day for mistaking my sleeping area as a perfect place to spill her drink and eat her domino’s. I thoroughly appreciated coming back to find a purple stain and several bottle caps scattered amongst my sheets.
Luisa came in 172nd place and was honoured to be the final member to make the women’s A, I informed her of her selection in Hobo on Tuesday, however she didn’t quite believe me. I am not sure what had gotten into her, as I had only told 8 other girls that night that they had made it too.
The girls all had amazing performances on a surprisingly tough course, and I am proud of them all, as being in the A race would not be my cup of tea.
The Men’s A kicked off at 13:00, and Chris C was shockingly our first runner in 32nd place. Chris was very helpful in informing me that it was actually an official social, even though Loughborough failed to mention anything. This snub was rather upsetting from Loughborough, as what is the point of having Newcastle there otherwise it’s not like we’re going to win owt (no offence, lovelies).
Luke was close behind in 36th. He had a quick run but an even quicker dash to the toilets afterwards, bless whoever was after him. The always smiling Shoulder Shaking Disco Fever Happy Chappy El Presidente was our next runner in 99th place, and as much as I hate to admit it, he won performance of the day, showing these girls that he still got it. I also have to remind Ed that sizing up Ashlin’s 6ft 2 cousin, post a broken arm in the Big Cheese, may not be advisable.
Mr Consistent trailed slightly behind, giving Joe a little tease of the thought of beating him, but pulled it together with Ben finishing in 107th and Joe in 109th. Joe is really annoyingly good at cross country and refuses to change his first claim to us for the Harrier Leagues. I am sure Gateshead could find a way to still complain.
Sweet Cheeks Swindale was our last A runner, coming in at 122nd. Unlike Uncle Jamie, this Jamie doesn’t come on many socials, but Christ on a bike, when he does, it’s like watching an episode of Take Me Out. Anna, when Louis isn’t pulling his weight in piggybacks, I have found you a replacement.
Well done, lads, showed that we occasionally can have some quality runs and even better toilet dashes.
Women’s B race started at 14:00, with Harriet being our first girl in 116th place. Great run from Harriet, who, for once, was detached from Lily. I felt a little bad for Harriet, as she may or may not have been one of the girls I told was going to be in the A race—whoopsie daisy. Louise was our next runner, who got a cheeky 100 points added to our club’s spider web, and she also finished in 134th place not bad for someone who is supposed to be injured.
#TEAMLILY was our third runner, finishing in 204th place with a lovely performance. I also tried to inform her that she had made the A team, but I was unfortunately unable to find her in Hobo. Close behind was Lozotron, representing the Midlands massive, who is a strong contender for performance of the day. Lozington and I are supposed to be going for cocktails with Susi and co (Happy Belated Birthday Susi), while feeling a bit vulnerable. Ford’s family were also a nice surprise, cheering me on as I was breathing like a man who had 20 cigarettes a day his entire life.
Emily Griggs was up next in 228th place, unlike the Sunday long run (apologies again), she managed to finish the whole course, as this was a little flatter than Ouseborn. Olivia Dyson was just behind in 244th place, breaking away from Emma, who finished just behind in 249th. These two can never be split, well, unless you’re Smelly, who finished in 245th. I think Isabella gave me about 4 hugs when I left the Big Cheese and refused to let me leave until she had proven to me that someone had spilt a drink on her neck. Thank you for that.
Antonia is so old that her vest expired before her degree finished, so she had to borrow a vest, just like a silly fresher. Antonia showed us the highlights of Leicester, pointing out to us just how much they love a St. George’s flag. I wonder what they will vote for in the next election. Antonia finished in 263rd place. Lauren S finished 267th; her shoes, on the other hand, staged an early retirement thanks to the unforgiving Loughborough course. Shortly after, Madeliene (chased by Hari) was in 279th place. Madeleine decided the best place to cheer on the lads was up the only slight slope just to watch us all our pretty faces suffer in the mud.
Anna came 313th and was nominated for dick of the day for being late for the coach on Friday, which did not stress me out in the slightest. Olly Webb, however, managed to one-up her and completely miss it, although bless him, he did get the train down. Lucy Bowman came 338th. This was a piece of cake for Lucy as she had already survived the Sunday Long Run the previous week. Bowmans were also out in full force, shouting and cheering us all on. Marie had a good run coming in 350th after a whole week of celebrating, and unlike in Hobo, did not need to be taken home. Marie also offered me some lovely cold chips with some even colder cheese on the night out.
The social secs were up next, with Eve in 356th and Heather in 371st. Both were very smiley in the morning, probably because they were still drunk. Once we got to Wetherby services, they did look a little worse for wear. Heather also managed to acquire a new hat, although she has no idea how she got it. Roisin was in for a bit of a shock, as her last official run, according to Strava, was the Great North Run. She still finished strong in 398th place. According to her sister, Nottingham brought 95 to BUCS, so that’s the target for next year. Jess ran well for 401st but delivered a gold-medal social performance. Not only did she tolerate 30 minutes of my uninterrupted nattering, but she also attempted to teach me dance moves that my body immediately reported as beyond its operational capability. Sorry, Mum, I don’t think Strictly will be calling anytime soon.
The girls were all excellent, and I am truly impressed by them all. They make being captain worth it.
Now onto the people who make life difficult, the Men’s B race. Men’s B started at 14:45, with Max as the first runner and placing 139th. Max was once again very well behaved and not drunk at all at the social. Max was clearly impressed by my charm as I went around asking the girls how their boyfriends were doing. You nailed it there, Max, impeccable social skills as always. One lad who clearly did have charisma, though, was Tom Davey, although he didn’t run, he did gain our only injury as he impressed a girl in the Big Cheese so much that she promptly kicked him where the sun don’t shine.
I was our next runner in 248th place, not bad for an OAP who sounded like a donkey halfway round. I am never really built for aggressive racing, as was proven to me when I rather cleverly tried to use someone else as a human brake around the sharp bend. Unfortunately, the bloke didn’t move but did remember and by the next corner returned the favour as I gave the mud a good old smooch. Chris Mason was our next runner in 270th place. Chris’s social performance was impressive, and he wasn’t seen without 3 VKs in his hand, developing new ways to hold them.
GG had another masterclass coming in 278th. His antics in big cheese were also impressive, as he smuggled in cheese for Edward, Douglas and himself. Andrew was our next constant, who, for once, did not set off like he was doing a 100m race. Andrew, after a few VKs, becomes absolutely untranslatable, and I never understand a word he says, which is rather surprising for a lad who spent more time in England than in Ireland.
Nathan, after a debacle with the log jumps on lap one, was rather excited about the idea of disco spoons. Sadly, he had to settle for a Loughborough local instead, whose regulars looked very pleased to see some drunk students bombarding the place. Nathan finished in 307th. Joe was up next in 312th place. This lad was built specifically for the start of a cross-country race, and he was in the top 20 by the first corner. It felt like he was playing British Bulldog as he knocked over and took out at least 5 people. Joe’s icing on the cake, however, came in the last corner as he overtook the social captain, Patrick. As a scouser once said, Leave the running before the running leaves you and sadly for Patrick, the running has left him. Patrick finished in 322nd place.
Will Samuel was in 343rd place. For the past week, I had to put up with some annoying bugger messaging every day asking if the vests arrived, turned out I had plenty of spares and never needed them, oh well. Niall had a good run in 361st place but a much greater performance in the big cheese, although when I said goodbye to a few Sophie, Isabella and Lousie, I was told to stay away from “his girls”. I am sure Niall had a very good night, as when I saw him in the morning, he had a very cheeky smile on his face, which I am sure may be due to his -100 points.
Harry Bennison finished in 399th place. Harry had a fun night but made the slight mistake of introducing his sister to the lads, making the big cheese feel like an episode of The Bachelorette. Harry managed to just pip Sam on the line, who finished in 400th place with them both getting the same time. I am glad to see the boys are battling, even if the first finisher was over 8 minutes ago, showing that no matter where they are, they still have some fight. Jamie A finished in 431st place, not bad for a lad who doesn’t run for more than 60 seconds. Alex came in 435th. I have noticed Alex’s attendance this year has drastically improved, but I can’t quite figure out why.
Hari came in 448th place, who looked very happy with my approach to mimic his making-out ability with Madeleine. Apologies, I blame it on the VKs. Alfie was our next runner, in 452nd place, with Kinsey close behind in 481st. I hope these two didn’t get up to too much in the double room, sorry, Ava and Monte. Oli has made a miraculous turnaround in his running career and seems very interested in coming back. Oli finished in 483rd place, 34 seconds behind a certain A-team runner xx. Charlie was our next runner, in 529th place, followed by the injury-prone Tommy. Tommy and I still can’t quite get over Niall’s revision habit of starting to learn the course 3 hours before his exam. Also, Tommy, I promise this week’s SLR will be slower, and we won’t get dropped by the group this time.
Jai came in 548th place and also had a good time at the social, just ask Lola. Olly was our next runner. I barely recognised him, and he seemed to have grown to about 6ft 4 and bulked up since I last saw him, with a new buzz cut too. Olly finished in 550th place. Finn wasn’t trailing too far behind in 565th place, not bad for a sprinter.
Granddaddy Douggie dropped the walking frame and boogied like it was still the 80s. Christ Almighty, was he moving. Unfortunately, can’t say the same about his race, as age caught up to him and he finished in 567th place. Joey was close behind in 589th place and showed that this girl can. Up next was Oscar in 660th place, who, after a little egging on and being nominated as our best B race runner to lead from the front, sadly lost the battle and the war, failing to win the race or the first corner. Oscar shockingly finished just ahead of Louis, who finished in 662nd place. Louis has decided that this warrants him signing up for his next race, which is Man vs Horse, which is only 20 miles further and in the middle of nowhere in Wales. I would personally say your goodbyes now Anna xx.
Well done lads, we all got beaten by Ava and Immy.
Thank you all for coming. That may have been my favourite BUCS, but as Tabby wasn’t there for legal reasons, I can’t say this. Thank you to the Bowmans, Fords, Eve’s mum, my parents, Uncle Jamie, Poppy, Imi, May, Liv, Lucy M, Sophie, Katie, Lola, Grace, Ffion, Ashlin, Tom, Arran, Monte and a rather short Rafe for spectating and cheering people. Special thanks to Rafe, Luisa, and Arran, my sister, for some great photos. No, thank you to Harry Bennison for coming.
Bonus Content:
Toilets:
Not enough Portaloo’s meant a 20-minute wait unless you needed an emergency dash, 3/10.
Portable urinals, for some reason, were located in the main path with as much privacy as a communal shower, and they also smelled. 1/10
Accommodation:
Travelodge had everything we needed: 3 beds, coffee, and a kettle that caught on fire. I also feel terrible that I had to clean those rooms and bathrooms, though 8/10.
Coffee and co:
Pret at Wetherby was good but cost me an arm and a leg, 5/10.
Coffee from the Van: lovely and unlike Jamie, I did not spill mine straight away, plus I applied captaincy tax and got Sophie to buy it for me. 9/10
Travelodge coffee: drinkable 4/10
Wagamama’s: yummy went adventurous with the katsu chicken curry 7/10
Bills: 25% off was a win, but they are bloody cheeky for adding a 12.5% service fee. Luckily, Anna S asked for it to be taken off, as Chris and I were too scared. 8/10
Pint that Ed got me: lovely 9/10