Fatalities: 0
Injuries: 0
Mud Casualties: 3
DNFs: 0
Drop-outs: 11…
On the 6th of December, NUAXC competed at the very serious and incredibly competitive Boat race, I mean, of course, Leeds Relays! We had 7 teams of 4 in the boys’ race, 5 in the women’s race, 1 in the mixed race, and 8 spectators.
This was recording attendance for Leeds, almost doubling last year’s turnout, with 60 of us going down to Leeds and spectating yet another GG masterclass. This year’s course truly felt cross-country with mud galore, especially Guy and Niall, who both got down and dirty, mistaking the ground for a random fresher and giving it a good canoodle.
The lads and Mixed team set off at 1:10 pm, with Luke, Jamie, Guy, Arran, Douglas, Oli, Oscar, and Joe Willis as the 1st leg runners for each team.
Luke was, to everyone’s surprise, our first and fastest finisher, putting his team in 7th place. If only he could transfer these skills to chopping pints.
Next up was Uncle Jamie, humming to James Arthur’s “Say You Won’t Let Go,” and showing the fresher lads that this vet40 still got it, finishing in 18th. Guy Green, having got that home advantage, yet again had an absolute performance of his life, finishing in 25th. Unfortunately for Guy, you can’t actually book a Premier Inn at 2 am. Grandaddy Douglas was our next finisher, in 44th place (ironically, his age). Ed enjoys Douggie’s company a lot and was upset when Douggie didn’t want to cuddle him at the end of the night. Arran was right behind in 45th place. Arran, unlike his car, made it all the way to the finish line. Oli was up next in 49th. Oli decided to come out of retirement (I wonder why) and put in a good shift for his team. Oscar was close behind in 50th, not bad for a lad who’s never run further than 400m and to every senior’s surprise, was not a liability. Joe Willis gets performance of the day for the lads finishing in 3rd in the mixed. Turns out, when the cheeky bugger actually runs for us, and not that shithole 10 miles south of us that Joe Drew was spawned from, he runs pretty bloody good.
Our 2nd leg runners were Max, Patrick, Alex, Harry, Jamie Allaway, Hari, Seb and Imi.
Max held firm, putting his team in 7th. At the social, Max loves to come up to me, tell me he’s from that famous Yorkshire area called Cumbria, and dap Duggie and me up. As I know his parents read this, I will state that your son was completely hammered sober. Up next was the beautiful Patricio, Peanut, Paddy or whatever name Ed decided suited fit. Patricia found himself maintaining his team’s 18th-place position. Harry was not so close behind 33rd, losing several positions (no thank you). Harry really tickled my ego, calling me a cheat code when it comes to women. That was still Luke brought me back to Earth and reminded him that I was a cheat code for becoming Friends with these women and no further (thanks, Luke). Alex, The Deforester, Biddulph, was up next. Alex gained several positions to put his team in 38th, not surprised by this, as he powered through absolutely everything.
Hari (closely followed by Madeliene) was our next runner across, gaining several places and finishing in 43rd. What Hari lacks in vocab, he makes up for in lust. Jamie Allaway (chased by Sophie) was up next. Glad to see the boys had a good night, as they all bragged to Douggie that they wouldn’t be returning to the house, as the youths would say they were gonna get “some action”. This resulted in all four nicely tucked in together on the floor at 4 am. Next up was former President, Sebby. Still suffering with presidentialitis, dropped a few places to put his team in 48th. Imi, when she’s not papping you with the Digi cam, was our next runner in the mixed team, maintaining their 3rd place. #BeatTheBoys.
Our 3rd leg runners were Tom, Andrew, Sam, Nathan, Joey, Jai, Rafe and Luisa.
Tom had a good run, finishing in 10th, but an even better Niall-Esque performance at the social. The lad managed to walk into the French window at the social twice, tell someone the completely wrong direction for the loos, and is now unsure whether he got with someone. Andrew was our next runner, maintaining 18th position for his team. Andrew, after 3 pints, becomes absolutely untranslatable to the point I smile and nod my head when he’s talking to me. Sam had another good performance. Sam is a well-behaved lad and causes me no bloody problems. He finished in 35th. Nathan was closed behind in 36th. Nathan only said two words the whole night, and they were “disco” and “spoons”. Joey was up next, finishing in 46th, and once again brought the skinny hoes to his poor mother’s house to be ransacked of all food. Jai (Lenny 2.0) Sarkar is the opposite of Sam and a pain in my arse, although he was on decent terms this time, not smiley sticker worthy though. @RafeGordon came 49th. Luisa held strong against the boys, placing the mixed team into 6th place #BeatTheBoys*2. Luisa, in her calendar, is currently on day 6 of the 12 days of Christmas.
Our 4th leg runners were Myself, Niall, Milo, Will, Olly, Charlie, Aaryan and Luke (again).
I, after having a peaceful, relaxed morning, got overtaken by a bloody dosser. Still, more importantly, I just about managed to keep all my hair on this trip, so it was an overall success. I placed my team in 11th. Niall, doing what he does best, getting down and dirty… in the mud, putting his team in 21st overall. Tiny Milo was barely visible as he went round, hidden amongst the trees, placing his team 33rd overall. Will was close behind, looking cute as ever and fortunately one-upping last year’s drivers by getting the nine-seater back in one piece. Olly was back on home soil with a solid performance, placing his team in 41st. Unfortunately, he did not claim the 500 bonus points this year. Charlie had a good run, gaining a spot and doing the rowing lot proud, placing his team in 43rd. Aaryan has joined the light side this year, with a solid XC performance that finished in 54th. Finally, Luke went again and again, had an excellent run (wow, I am so surprised). Luke clutched up for the mixed relay team, placing them in 3rd overall! I had so much faith that we had done well that I told everyone not to bother with the medal ceremony and go bugger off to showers instead.
Overall, a classic Newcastle Uni XC race, like our drinking ability, this was very much a quantity over quality performance.
The Women’s A team put in a strong performance, consisting of our very own Captain America putting in the quickest time and handing off to NUAXC fresher Lily. She passed the band on to fellow fresher Lola, who held position for veteran Romany to finish the Girl’s A team tenth overall. The next Newcastle team to finish was the B team, led by Olivia. Following her was Jess Liston Smith, who passed onto Isabella. Tabby channelled her inner JHR and rounded off the B team with a masterful run, with the team finishing in fifteenth.
Next across the line was not the C team, nor was it the D team but the E team! Fresher Poppy ran a fantastic race to put the team off to a good start, handing off to fresher Ffion who put in perhaps the strongest Patton performance of the day. Next was Marie, who handed off to Emma to complete the underdog story. Perhaps if people showed up to Harrier League more then it might be easier to put people into the correct teams?
Hot on their tails were the C team. Louise led the line for the C team, putting in the shock performance of the second fastest NUAXC ladies time of the day! Refer to previous comment about harrier leagues. Using her experience from the mountains of Switzerland next was Jess Williams, who passed onto Athletics Captain Jessie, who couldn’t stop talking about how much she loved the race! Lastly it was Cadence, impressively running her second leg of the day
The D team were the last NUAXC team to finish, however they ought to have had the most fun, with both of the social secs in the team. Lucy Bowman ran first, passing the band onto boat race star Eve. She passed the band onto Rosie, who handed off to Heather, rounding off a promising overall performance from the girls’ teams.
BONUS BOAT RACE ROUNDUP
First to boat race were the lads, against Manchester. Andrew started strongly, seeing off his pint in rapid fashion – nothing less that what was expected of him. Next was Niall who also put in a good performance. Things were looking promising until it got to Ed. I have seen many strong performances from our president, however this was not one of them and unfortunately the efforts of those who followed him were in vain. After that humiliation, it was left to the girls to salvage the day and rescue the Toon’s reputation, which at this point was in the gutter. Up stepped the fab four of Ffion, Lucy, Eve and Isabella. The competition was looking fierce, however the roar of the crowd with spirited chanting from the Newcastle massive (shoutout to Max) spurred them on. With everything to lose, the girls did the impossible – beating home favourites Leeds and securing their spot in the final. The crowd erupted, and euphoria spread amongst all who were present to witness that great moment. Sadly things weren’t to be in the final, however the girls can be incredibly proud of their efforts, not only making it to the final but salvaging the reputation of the city of Newcastle despite Ed’s best efforts.
Thank you all for coming. I hope you all had a great time and a stress-free weekend as I did. Special thanks to Myself, Douggie, Patrick, Heather, Will, Rafe, Emma, Lily, Charlie and Arran for being responsible drivers, especially Heather, who jumped in at the last minute (well after a few hours re learning with a certain someone). Thank you to Sebby for not oversleeping and taking down the gazebo and flag. No thank you to Harry Bennison, who told me he couldn’t find the Facebook Event even though I had sent him a bloody link.
Bonus Content:
Toilets:
Changing room toilets were hot and steamy, and 33% of the time were blocked 3/10
Toilets that Leeds Beckett didn’t want you to know about: In the main, fancy building, very private and incredible infrastructure, 10/10.
Showers:
Patrick and I ended up finding showers cold enough to cause me to have brain freeze and completely lose my manhood, but at least they were private. 4/10
Joe and Niall snuck into the main building, ignoring all no-entry signs, and said they were unreal. 11/10
The rest found it to be a bonding experience with communal showers 7/10
Coffee and co:
Wetherby Pret: Was just hot water, but it was free with captaincy tax (Cadence paid £4.50). 2/10
Wetherby Costa Coffee: Clues in the name, but at least it was drinkable. 3/10
Monster Energy: only seems to hit me when I want to go to bloody bed. 4/10
Food:
Morrison’s Pizza: was cooked like sushi. 2/10
Curry at the social: I took one look and gave it to Ed, who seemed to enjoy it, but he also eats dog food. 2/10